swt contributed A potential oom-pah drinking song I'm not a tuba player, but I play one on TV, singable in something vaguely resembling iambic heptameter. Doctroid then recorded it.

I'm not a tuba player, but I play one on TV
I don't act like an actor, but I'm in the SAG
I've never starred in Hamelet, but I am a little ham
I'm not Popeye or the son of God, but I am what I am.

I was never lying when I said I would be true
And I won't pretend that I am not in love with you

I stand before you naked (metaphorically, of course)
There's no sticker on my Geo saying that my other car's a Porsche
I'm not a chimney cleaner, though I've come down with the flu
I'm not a latin lover, but ego amare you

I was never lying when I said I would be true
And I won't pretend that I am not in love with you

[ insert another verse or two here ]

Doctroid Doctroid Holmes later contributed some additional verses:

If you could read my mind, oh, what a tale my thoughts would tell
I'd give you earth and heaven but you'd probably give me hell
I'm good at taking bad advice and bad at taking hints
Kiss me and I will not turn into a handsome prince

I was never lying when I said I would be true
And I won't pretend that I am not in love with you

I won't discuss your politics and won't bore you with mine
If you're nice to my lager then I won't insult your wine
I've never been a roadie but I'll always take a stand
I only wish that I could play a tuba in a band

I was never lying when I said I would be true
And I won't pretend that I am not in love with you